Continuation..

When does it become a form of escape or a form of relaxation? Or are they both the same?

It used to be alcohol. Now it's jogging.

One of the bitter lessons in life

Another lesson learnt today: For all the effort that I put in, I may not necessarily reap the rewards or recognition...

Time to learn some 'taiji'-ing of my own...

Does he or does he not...

Does he know she's playing him out or he has no clue at all?
Or is it the situation that he knows but he's playing dumb about it?

I really have no idea what to do. Guess the best thing for me is to continue playing dumb. That's what I do best, it seems.
But it's hard. Knowing that at the end of the day, someone will inevitably get hurt.

Maybe that's why I don't want a relationship. It hurts too much at times. And I have enough emotional and physical bagguage of my own to want to carry another.

Presentation and more...

Had my first real presentation today. Told myself to be calm and cool but still suffered from the usual jitters beforehand. Guess overall it was still okay. The only gist I had with myself is that I need to work on my voice projection and the pitch. One can almost say it's sickly sweet at times.

Self assessment of my work attitude and behaviour. I'm really getting down my interaction with her and concentrating on showing more care and concern for them. I'm not sure if this is coming through. But I really wish to start anew again, if this is possible. This would also involve the rest. And I'm not sure how they view about me.

Guess right now, I'm still a double-agent, as according to the 6 Sigma...

Old Haunting Thoughts

I thought I could enjoy myself tonight. I thought I could put the past behind. I was wrong on both counts.

We went out tonight. She called a friend of hers to join us. I was just disappointed. How could she do this to him, repeatedly? She said that she's with him, but her actions so far suggested otherwise. I think as soon as someone comes along, she'll definitely dump the both of them. She's too self-centered.
But the thing I do envy about her is that she can fall into a pile of shit and still come out smelling and looking like a bouquet of roses. That is the thing about her. And that is one of the things I am ultra jealous of.

On another thought, I do wonder: Would I ever had an admirer? They were mentioning about their admirers and BFs. I was just listening to them. It did nothing for my self-esteem, that's for sure.
But then again, I do have bigger fish to fry, at the moment. How to improve my relationship with them...

Time to go jogging again. I need the peace of mind that comes with it. It's my form of escape now, along with alcohol.

Nitez.

Arugh! How blur can I get, posting in the wrong blog?
I so hope that not many people read about it.

Yay, weekend's here. Time to enjoy a little and stop worrying.

I never thought I would do this...

I always told myself I would never have a blog. Main reason being my thoughts are meant to be my own, not to be told to others unless I tell them myself. Guess I've changed my mind.

But my consolation is that I can remain unknown, unless I were to tell others about this. I would hope not. My thoughts are too dark and intense and shameful, at times, to share with others. My thoughts are mine alone, unless I choose to share them.

I am worried about tomorrow. I don't know how to face the rest come the new working day. I appreciate what he told me the other day. I have suspected some of it, but to hear it out in the open like that was still akin to a slap in the face.

This would be a good time to take a step back and reflect on what I want. Do I continue like this, becoming a puppet or do I change and do my best to be what I used to aspire to be? The former is what I detested but which I've become exactly. Can I live up to my dreams and expectations of the past?

I am glad that we will be meeting on Tuesday evening. I would need some of the advice and guidance. She had told me before but I still fall into the trap.
I was angry at them the other time. But after hearing what he said, I realised the anger is unwarrented. It was misdirected. The only person I can blame is myself, for being so blind. There were hints and warning signs but I choose to ignore them.
You can only say you are 'NEW' for so long. 6 months is long enough.

I PROMISE TO FIGHT FOR HIM TOMORROW. This is the least I can do for him. But my strategy is to lie low for the time being. No unnecessary words out of my mouth. I need to take a step back and reflect. I should have done it over the weekend, but there were distractions here and there. Still no excuses for that. It IS a HIGH priority.

'dis a long enough rumbling for my first post. Plus I need to wake up early tomorrow. Let's hope I will use this in the future as well...