Ranking (Part II)

No matter what they say, ranking is political. It is never, I repeat: NEVER, merit-based.
What for pretend that it is merit-based? It's just for show. And it sickens me to the stomach.

She was ranked last. In no way did she deserved that! It still brings me to a boil. But I deserved most of the blame too, for not having done my homework before going in, for being unprepared.

It's sick. Why do we have to put our fates in other peoples' hands? Why can't we have some control over it? I did not relish the thought of doing her job description when she was the one who knows best what she does!

But similarly, I am in the same position as her. When it comes to my ranking, others will be deciding my fate. That is why I said I was political fodder. I am and will be the last. That's a for sure. I know it but it still galls me.

Ranking is political.

Ranking (Part I)

I promise to do right by her.

This is all I can say now. I am still too angry.

Relationships

Relationships are dysfunctional. They should be banned in life.

I look around and people don't seem to be doing well in relationships.

You have people who are pining for others already attached to someone else; people who are attached to others but still getting together; people who were attached but did not treasure the partners, thus losing them; people who proclaim to be single but yet appear to be attached to others; people who are attached for the sake of being attached; people who are attached but don't act attached...

No wonder I'm in this sorry state of mind/physical being..

Back with a Vengence (Part II)

Is this another one of my Downward spirals? I feel that it is so. Or maybe it's just my PMS.

Whatever it is, today is just as bad.

It's now confirmed that CO was directing at me. This so does wonders for my self-esteem right now.

I've told her that in future my responsibility is to her, not to him. And the fact that I'm not bearing any friendly feelings towards the both of them. Also told her that in future if he were to ever ask for the same thing again, I would refuse.

At the end of the day, I realise that he is really a jerk. And not worth my extending the helping hand to him at all. There he was, standing beside a new girl, acting cool about it. WTF!? If he got the bloody money to go and woo a gal, why can't he have the money to return me?!

And here I am, scrapping my money just to get by.

I need to get smarter or die earlier.

Back with a Vengence

Finally back. I need this more than ever. Lots of things to get off my chest and I can't spill my guts to anyone.

What else is new? He ended up owing people more money than ever. I was angry with him. But now the anger is almost over. Almost. I still feel the resentment at having to bear the burden of the loan. But it is still under my name. There is no running away from that.
Now I just hope and pray that F&C will still want him.

1 year on in the job. I know now more than ever that I am a fraud. They can easily do without me. What am I doing here? Everyone knows that I am just sitting pretty here. I am really political fodder. I don't know if I can hang on for 1 more year... I really am a fraud over there. I would rather go back to f&b any time.

Because of the financial burden, I am now back at Union, working on Saturdays and hopefully Fridays. This is still dependent on my schedule at work. I am happier working at Union. Less responsibility and people will not stab you in the back. But I could do with the resting time.
Only YY knows about it now. I can't afford to let any one else know.
But come to think about it, the most that can happen is that I'll lose the job. It's not like I love the job anyway. The family will have to do without my contribution then. But it's a huge load off my mind, if ever that were to happen...

Everyone I know is almost dysfunctional in their own way. This was a comment made by YY when she came over to my side today. Let me qualify that statement: people whom I am close to in the office are dysfunctional.

Tying myself to committments which will cost me. I really need to start working out my finances more carefully. The promise to a family lunch/dinner; the stupid bank loan; possibly 2 overseas trips early next year. And I'm fucking broke. Not to mention all the rest of the miscellaneous stuff. I'm fucking dead broke!

24 years of age. No money in the bank; stuck in a job which I abhor; dependent family members.
I'm supposed to be at one of the happy stage in my life but yet...
Guess the only thing I should be grateful for is that at least I don't have any BGR problems to add on to the above. Life's bad enough as it is.