Intrinsic Vs External

The above title, of course, referring to my dilemma of my current job.

If my current job could keep me occupied, I would not mind. But the truth of the matter is that I am utterly useless in that position. It does not help when everyone around me keeps on mentioning of how busy/happy they are with their jobs...
At the end of it all, I feel guilty. Guilty for drawing a salary, without being made to work for it.

Which brings me onto the next point. Should I continue after my contract ends? Or should I leave to find something that I would enjoy doing? But the fear of not being able to receive the same amount of money worries. This current one pays alright. And I do need the money..

*sigh*

Going Back

So I went back today. Talked to them.

It felt different. I felt out of place. I had thought I would have fit in, but I felt weird. Stuff which I used to talk about, which just comes straight out of my mind, is now a distant memory. They almost seemed to be strangers now. Yea, we chat a little, but I guess the fault still lies with me for being a monosyllabic person.

But the main problem, I guess, was that I've romanticized the past. I thought the feelings would just come right back. But I was wrong. The place's changed too. There's no more glassy-eyed feeling about that place. I think it's been knocked out of my system.

Guess it's really time to move on and think about what I want to do.
On second thought, it almost seemed appropriate that they were removing the memorial for him when I happened to be there.
It's really time to stop licking my wounds and move forth. There's no more turning back now...

Slave-driven

Be it in the working life or in my own personal dealings, I do get the feeling that I am being treated like a slave.

I am nice to you does not equal to I am willing to do all your biddings, to be at your beck and call.
I need to building up my own firearms and lie back.
Nonchalent is my armour and indifferrence my bullet-proof vest.

No wonder solitude is the best.

1st Post of 2007

It's been a while since I've done this. I need this outlet.

Having to say 'goodbye' to someone whom I thought still have several good years, is a hard thing. Especially when it came all of a sudden.
It almost made me guilty that I've not been back to see them. They played a part in my life. And I really do miss them so.

I might not have that upgrade afterall. I do not know if she was playing mind games with me or really letting me into her secrets. But it was not a good way to end the week.
It also made me wonder: with my deception to others, have I succeeded in even fooling myself?

New year, hopefully new start.